Some 10 years after school, we met again - two school friends, he a doctor now and I, an engineer.

It was around this time that my mind was filled with ideas about God and Advaita Vedanta. I had recently finished the Selected Works of Vivekananda. And I had finished reading his biography. I was impressed by the fierceness and conviction of his thoughts. And my mind was at the height of excitement with this newfound knowledge. I still have that book, full of my highlighted marks — at one point, it was my Bible, the place I returned to again and again for answers to my questions.

So, what better topic to talk about than spirituality, meditation, the Oneness of creation, and stuff like that?

So he listened to me intently. And at one point, he looked at me and said: “Have you ever wondered where your God and meditation go when you have a strong headache?”

This was a totally unexpected question. I had never thought of it before. And frankly, I was a little taken aback by this question.

I don’t recall the rest of our conversation very well. We parted after the last cup of tea. But after that, every time I got a headache or felt sick, I quietly thought about what he had said. Which emotion takes over me when I have a headache? Do I think about my headache or God? What happens to my peace? And I realized, with great sadness, it was the headache that occupied all of my mind.

What does this mean, I asked myself. It means, I am guessing, it is easy to talk about spirituality and God. We all do that. But realization is quite far away.

Just like the 9th-century Zen monk Linji says in his Record of Linji:

“The moment you open your mouth, you are already way off.”

True. In some way, our eagerness to talk indicates our thoughts are unsettled, and our practice is not deep enough. When the soul has not been to that depth, knowledge is just knowledge - just some talk.

It is impossible to remember God, or whatever we call that silent energy, during the troubled times. That headache takes over us. At such moments, that headache becomes so big and occupies all of our minds, leaving almost no room for God.

So yes, my friend was right.

As my favorite poet Kabir sings:

“जब मैं था तब हरि नहीं
अब हरि है मैं नाहिं
प्रेम गली अति सांकरी
तामें दो न समाहीं”

Such a great mystery of the mind expressed in so few words. That’s the power of poetry, I guess. It’s a little sad when you cannot understand and enjoy the poetry in its original language.

Here’s a rough translation that does a pretty good job:

“When I was, God was not.
Now God is, and I am not.
The path of love is very narrow -
Two cannot walk on it together.”

Now fast forward some 20-25 years later. What has changed? What has changed is the realization that the more I practice, the longer the path seems to be.

Different emotions float inside - happiness, pain, and sadness. Sometimes anger and fear take over the mind - just like before.

And I can hear a silent whisper inside: “Still not there!”

I can now smile at all the knowledge accumulated along the way, which helps, but does not do much to get to the place where I want to be. But knowledge can also be a web you create and now you are stuck in that web forever - thinking, contemplating and philosophizing - but unable to get out.

But yes, sometimes there is a glimpse, a light, a ray of happiness shining at a distance ... revealed during the complete quietness of mind. When the barking dogs do not bother anymore, and the neighbor’s rattling dishes do not rattle the mind anymore. They just become sounds happening somewhere far away - nothing to do with me. At such moments, it seems all the waves in the mind have calmed down.

Such precious moments! Difficult to describe.

And, interestingly, during such moments, you realize that the urge to talk has vanished. Now it’s the silence that occupies the mind, leaving little room for the chatter and thoughts. You just want to stay with that quietness.

But sadly, that moment of happiness quietly slips away. When you open your eyes, the same world is waiting for you.

“Fine!” I silently say to myself. Still a long way to go. But I shall keep on walking. Maybe the path is the goal.

मेरा बुबा मेरो पहिलो गुरु पनि हुनुहुन्छ। निकै कम शब्दमै उहाँले मलाई धेरै कुरा सिकाउनुभयो। आज जीवनमा म केही गुणी बन्न सकेको छु र केही हासिल गर्न सकेको छु भने, यसको सम्पूर्ण श्रेय मेरो बुबालाई नै जान्छ।

अहिले आएर बुबा बित्नुभएको त्यो दिन र त्यो क्षणलाई फर्केर हेर्छु। बुबालाई अन्तिम पटक श्रद्धाञ्जली दिन आएका मानिसहरूको भिडमा म त्यही खडा थिए। शरीर त्यही भए पनि मन र मस्तिष्क भने बारम्बार वर्तमानबाट टाढा, अन्तै कतै पुगेको थियो। सबै जनाको बिचमा भएर पनि त्यहाँ थिइन म। वैकल्पिक चेतनाको कुनै अर्कै अवस्थामा पुगे झैँ लागेको त्यो आभास, पछिसम्म पनि मेरो मनमा प्रश्नहरु बनी सलबलाई रहे— “त्यो कस्तो अनौठो आभास थियो ?”

अस्पतालबाट बुबाको मृत शरीर आइपुगे पछि उहाँलाई मैलै निकै नियालेर हेरेँ। मलाई याद भएसम्म दिमागमा एउटै सोच मात्र आएको थियो — “उहाँ मेरो बुबा होइन।” मैले आफ्नो जीवनभरि बुबा भनेर बोलाउने गरेको व्यक्तिले त मलाई एक्लो पारेर गइसक्नुभएको थियो। उहाँ त्यस चिसो, भावहीन र असहाय लासमा कतै पनि हुनुहुँदैनथ्यो। अनि म केबल यस प्रश्नसँग बाकिँ थिए — “बुबा, तपाईँ कहाँ हुनुहुन्छ?”

त्यस रात, बुबाको निर्जीव शरीर जलाइयो। खोला किनारमा बसेर म त्यो दृश्यलाई हेरिरहे, उहाँको शरीर बिस्तारै खरानीमा बिलीन भइरहेको थियो। पोलिएका काठका चोइटाहरू अशान्त रूपले अचानक पड्किन्थे, चर्किन्थे र त्यसबाट निस्किएका झिल्काले रातको अन्धकारलाई प्रकाशित गराउँथे। छेवैमा नदी भने शान्त भएर आफ्नै बेगमा बगिरहेको थियो। अन्तिम संस्कारका लागी आएका ती मानिसका भिडमध्ये अब त्यहाँ केवल केही आफन्त र मित्रजनहरू मात्र बाकिँ थिए । अनि खोलाको पल्लो किनारमा भने मन भक्कानिएर आउने धुन कोही मुरलीमा बजाइरहेको थियो। आफ्नो अभिभावक, आफ्नो बुबा गुमाएको त्यस क्षणमा मेरै मनको बह पोखेझैँ गरी बजिरहेको त्यो मुरलीको धुनसँगै म पनि बगिरहेको थिएँ। रातको त्यस कालमा कसले बजाएको होला त्यो धुन? आज पनि मेरो स्मृतिमा कहिँ गाडिएर बसेको छ त्यो धुन।

हुन पनि हामी माटोबाटै आएका, एकदिन माटोमै समर्पण हुनै पर्छ। ढिलो-चाढोँ भन्नु मात्रै हो, सबैले पालै-पालो, यसरी नै छोडेर जानै पर्छ। त्यसैले, मृत्युको बारेमा चिन्तन-मनन गर्नको लागी यो ठाउँ उपयुक्त छ। यहाँ कठ्याङ्ग्रिँदो अन्धकार छ, तर मन भने शान्त र स्पष्ट छ। शिव भगवान यहीँ कतै छन्। यदि साँचो जिज्ञासा छ भने, उहाँले तुरियाको बारेमा सिकाउनुहुनेछ। यहीँ कृष्णले मन्द मुस्कुराउदैँ सोध्नुहुनेछ— “तिमीले आफ्नो साथमा के लिएर आएका थियौ, जुन तिमीले गुमायौ?” अनि यहीँ बुद्धले अनित्य र अनात्मको बारेमा सिकाउनु हुनेछ।

वास्तविकताको भान भएपछि नै मानिसले त्याग गर्न सक्दछ भनेर बुद्धले भनेका छन्। त्यसो त, वास्तविकता के हो त? वास्तविकता त्यही अनित्य हो - अर्थात् हरेक प्राणीहरूको अस्तित्वको प्रकृति, जुन पल-पल परिवर्तित हुँदैछ! मानिसले आफूलाई सदाबहार रहने खोक्रो कल्पना गर्दछ र त्यसैमा अल्झिएर मानिसको जीवन बितिरहेको छ। तर शायद यो त्यही ठाउँ हो, जहाँ उसको हावाको महल चकनाचुर हुन्छ र उसले वास्तविक सत्यको झ-झल्को पाउँछ।

सोच्नुस् न! अनि अझैँ गहिरिएर चिन्तन पनि गर्नुहोस्। मृत्यु र विनाशको बारेमा। अनि बल्ल कुनै दिन सायद हामी पनि यस अजर-अमरताको भ्रमलाई पार गर्न सकौँला। मृत्युहीन अवस्थामा पुग्न मृत्युकै ध्यान गर्नु पर्ला, अन्यथा यही चक्र घुमी रहनेछ। यसै सन्दर्भमा कबीरको यो सुन्दर कविता याद आयो:

“माया मरी न मन मरा, मर‑मर गए शरीर।

आशा तृष्णा न मरी, कह गए दास कबीर।”

दाहसंस्कार पछि म घर फर्किए। घरमा चकमन्न शान्त र निस्पट्ट अन्धकार छाएको थियो। मैले आमालाई हेरेको याद छ, उदास अनि गम्भीर सोचमा हराउनुभएकी— मेरी आमा।

त्यस रात, जब मैले अब सधैँका लागि गुमाएको मेरो बुबाको बारेमा सोच्ने समय पाएँ, अनि आँखाबाट थामिन नसकेर आशुका वेग बरर झर्न थाले। आखिर के कारण मानिसको आँखामा आशु आउने गर्छ? ग्लानिले? आफूले त सधैँ सही मात्र गरिरहेको छु झैँ लाग्दछ तर मुटुको कापमा, भित्री कुनै कुनामा आत्मग्लानि लुकेर बसेको हुँदो रहेछ। ठम्याउन मात्रै सकिँदैन। बिस्तारै, थाहै नपाई हाम्रै संस्कारले ती पश्चतापहरूलाई पैँचो तिराउन सही समय पर्खेर बसिरहेका हुन्छन्। म र मेरो आत्मग्लानिको लागी पश्चतापको दिन शायद त्यही थियो। भित्रैदेखि चर्को आवाजमा म माथि प्रश्न उठेको थियो: “के तिमीले आफ्नो बुबाको लागी पर्याप्त गर्‍यौ? साथ र सहयोग चाहिएको बेलामा, के तिमी उपस्थित थियौ? छोरा भएर बुबाप्रतिको आफ्नो कर्तव्य, के त्यो निभायौ?!”

~~~

बुबासँगको मेरो सबैभन्दा पुरानो सम्झना भनेकै म सायद ५-६ वर्ष हुँदाको हो। उहाँको हात समातेर डाक्टरकहाँ खोप लगाउन गएको थिए। सुइँ लगाएपछि चकलेट पाइन्छ भन्ने प्रलोभनमा भुल्याइएको मलाई अझै याद छ।

केटाकेटी अवस्थामै मैले निकै गरिबी देखेको थिए। यस्ता दिनहरू पनि आउँथे जब पुरै परिवारलाई नै खानेकुरा समेत किन्ने पैसा हुँदैनथ्यो। युगौँ पुरानो हाम्रो बुढो घरको छाना आलै-पालो कहिले यो छेउ त कहिले त्यो छेउ गर्दै चुहिने गर्थ्यो। एकातिर टाल्यो अर्कोपट्टि टपटप गर्न ठिक्क परिसकेको हुन्थ्यो; अनि फेरि त्यही क्रम दोहोरिन्थ्यो। बर्खा याम त सजाय सरह लाग्थ्यो। आकाशमा कालो बादल देख्नासाथ मनमा पनि कालो मडारिएर आउँथ्यो - “झरी नै पर्न आँट्यो। सायद यसपालि छानो नै खस्छ।” नभन्दै एक दिन त्यसै भयो। शिथिल र कमजोर त्यो छानो झन्डै मैमाथि खसेको थियो। धन्न टाउकोमै नबजारिएर एकाछेउतिर खस्यो र आज यो लेख्न जीवित छु। त्यति भएपछि मात्र मामाको सहयोगमा घरले टिनको छाना देख्न पायो। अनि बल्ल सासमा सास आएझैँ भयो— हामी सबै जनालाई।

किताबी दुनियाँमा मग्न हुने बानी मलाई बुबाले नै बसाली दिनुभयो। पहिले पनि भने झैँ, हामी खासै धनले परिपूर्ण त थिएनौ। “गरिबी” शायद उचित शब्द होला। त्यसका बाबजुद, उहाँले कहिल्यै पनि किताबको लागी “नाँई” भनेको मलाई याद छैन। जसोतसो पैसा जुटेकै हुन्थ्यो। केबल एक पटक मात्र उहाँले मलाई “केही दिन पर्खन सक्छौँ?” भन्नुभएको याद छ।

रुसी साहित्यले मलाई विशेष मुग्ध बनाउँथ्यो— अझ भन्नुपर्दा दोस्तोयभ्स्की, गोगोल, र गोर्कीका लेखन मेरा प्रिय थिए। यिनकै कृतिहरु भित्र मेरो अर्को एक संसार थियो। रास्कोल्निकोभ र कारामजोभ जस्ता पात्रहरू, अनि नाक र ओभरकोट जस्ता कथाहरू भित्र म हराउने गर्थे। हिन्दी, अङ्ग्रेजी होस् या नेपाली— यिनका रचनाहरू मेलै सबै पढेँ, कहिलेकाहीँ त एउटै किताब विभिन्न भाषामा पनि पटक-पटक पढेँ।

उमेरसँगै हुर्कँदै जाँदा घरको त्यो दरिद्र आर्थिक स्थिति, र अभावै अभावमा चलिरहेको जीवन को बारेमा सोच्न थाले। अनि आफ्नो भविष्यको बारेमा पनि सोच्न थाले। जति किताब पढेँ पनि त्यसले पैसाको कमी पुरा गर्दैन थियो। किताब हेर्न छोडे सायद। त्यस्तै कुनै दिन बुबाले सरलताका साथ केबल यति भन्नु भयो, “आज भोलि हातमा किताब देख्दिन नि!” अब नियालेर हेर्ने हो भने, यो न त कुनै आदेश थियो, न त उत्तर खोजिएको कुनै प्रश्न नै! तर मैले मेसो पाइसकेको थिए—पढ्न र सिक्न कहिल्यै नछोड्नु अर्थ्याउने ती शब्दहरूआज पनि मलाई किताबसँगको सम्बन्ध कायम राख्न याद दिलाइ रहन्छन्।

~~~

भारतको लखनउमा पढ्न जाँदा बखतको एक घटना उहाँको लागी जीवन परिवर्तक क्षण नै बन्न पुग्यो। त्यहाँ उहाँले एक दरिद्र व्यक्तिले कुडाँदानमा खानेकुरा खोजिरहेको दृश्य देख्नुभएछ। त्यो दयनीय दृश्यले उहाँलाई याचकतामा बाँचेकाहरूको पीडा र दुर्दशाको बारेमा सोच्न बाध्य बनायो। जहाँ केही मानिस ऐस र आराममा हाइसन्चो मनाइरहेका हुन्छन्, त्यही अर्को वर्गको भने एक छाक पछि अर्को छाकोको टुङ्गो हुँदैन। त्यसपछि नै उहाँमा समाजवादी बन्ने ऊर्जा जागेको उहाँले आफ्ना लेख र नोटहरूमा उल्लेख गर्नुभएको छ।

समानता, न्याय, र भ्रातृत्वका विचारहरू उहाँको हरेक भाषणका आधारभूत विषय हुन्थे। उहाँ सुरुमा आर्य समाज र महात्मा गान्धीबाट प्रेरित हुनुहुन्थ्यो। गान्धीजी - जसको यि प्रसिद्ध शब्दहरू आज पनि उतिनै समयसापेक्ष छन्:

“संसारमा सबैको आवश्यकताका लागि पर्याप्त छ, तर सबैको लोभका लागि छैन।”

हाम्रो देश नेपाल र देशका गरिबहरुको बारेमा उहाँ हृदयदेखि नै चिन्ता गर्नुहुन्थ्यो। नेपालप्रति पनि उहाँको यही नै सपना थियो—नेपाल एउटा यस्तो उन्नत राज्य बनोस् जहाँ गरिबी नहोस, सबलाई भर पेट खान पुगोस्, र सबैले शिर उठाएर आत्म-सम्मानका साथ बाँच्न सकुन्।

प्रायः उहाँ मलाई एउटा कुरा सम्झाइराख्नु हुन्थ्यो, “तिमी जतिसुकै धनाढ्य भए पनि, जबसम्म तिम्रो देश गरिब छ, तबसम्म अरू देशका मानिसले तिमीलाई कहिल्यै पनि सही अर्थमा सम्मान दिने छैनन्।" उहाँको यो वाणी व्यक्तिवादी र स्वार्थी प्रवृत्तिहरूबाट माथि उठेर देशको लागि पनि केही गर्नको लागि एउटा निर्देशन थियो।

“हाम्रो देश कत्ति धनी छ, यहाँका मानिसले दुःख पाउनुपर्ने कुनै कारण नै छैन। यहाँ सबैका लागि पर्याप्त हुनै पर्छ।” उहाँ भन्ने गर्नुहुन्थ्यो।

पछि-पछि मैले पनि यी शब्दहरूमा गहन विचार गरेको छु। देश र विश्वकै अर्थतन्त्र नियन्त्रण गर्ने गन्तीका केहि अरबपति हुनुको के अर्थ? बरु म हरेक मानिस करोडपति भएको हेर्न चाहन्छु — जहाँ समाजका हरेक व्यक्तिमा धन र सम्पत्तिको विभाजन धेरै थोरै समान रुपमा भएको होस्। अहिले म त्यो गरिब बालक त होइन। तर पनि समाजवादका यी विचारहरू मेरा मन र मस्कितका कणहरूमा खेलिरहन्छन्।

मानिसको लोभको त कहाँ अन्त्य छ र। तर, एउटा समाजको आधार भनेको न्यायपूर्ण हुनुपर्ने। अनि यो न्याय र समानता हामी मानिसको लागि मात्र होइन कि यो पृथ्वी मा वास गर्ने सबै प्राणी र प्रकृतिको लागि पनि लागु हुनु पर्ने होइन र? यहाँ जति हाम्रो अधिकार छ त्यति नै अरु सबै प्राणी - मानिस, जनावर, चराचुरुङ्गी, कीरा-फट्याङ्ग्रा, नदीनाला, बोटबिरुवा आदी-इत्यादि - सबैको हुनु पर्ने जस्तो लाग्छ। कुनै पनि मानिस न त पशु वा प्रकृतिभन्दा श्रेष्ठ छ, न त ती अस्तित्वलाई नष्ट गर्ने उसँग अधिकार नै छ। हामी सबैको रहन-सहनको लागी निर्धारित ठाउँहरू छन् र त्यसैमा हामी सबैलाई सह-अस्तित्वको अधिकार पनि हुनुपर्दछ।

न्यायपूर्ण समाज र समानताको कुरा गर्दा, जब मैले तत्कालीन सोभियत सङ्घमा अध्ययन गर्नका निम्ति छात्रवृत्ति हासिल गरे र त्यहाँ को जीवन देखे, मेरो समाजवादप्रतिको दृष्टिकोण अलि बदलिँदै गयो। बुबासँग पनि समाजवादको विचारधारामा मतभेद हुन थालेँ। आदर्श समाजका मेरा कल्पनाहरू र यथार्थ खोलाका दुई किनार भइदिए— कहिल्यै भेट नहुने।

हो! उनीहरूले विज्ञान र प्रविधिमामा त बलियो जग गाडिसकेका थिए। मानिसहरूका जीविकोपार्जनका आधारभूत आवश्यकताहरू त पूरा भएका थिए। तर कहिले काँही पसलहरुमा केहि सामानहरुको लागि लामो लाइनहरू पनि देख्थे । किनमेलका लागी किराना पसलहरू गइन्थ्यो, तर पसलहरू कहिले त पुरै खाली पनि देखिन्थे। होस्टेलमा अलि राम्रो कोठा चाहियो भने वार्डेनलाई घुस दिनुपर्थ्यो। वा केही काम लगाउनुपरेमा एक बोतल भोड्का ठिक्क पार्नुपर्थ्यो।

पाउरोटी बरु ३-५ कोपेक्स जस्तो सस्तो दाममै आउँथ्यो। र पनि भान्सा घर नजिकै त्यही पाउरोटी फालिएको डुंगुर देखिन्थ्यो। म मनमनै सोच्थे, "मान्छेलाई सस्तो र सित्तैमा खान-लाउन दिँदा यस्तै हुन्छ।" मानव मनोविज्ञान नै यस्तै छ— निःशुल्क वा सस्तोमा पाएको चीजको त मूल्याङ्कन नै गरिँदैन।

यो सबै देखेर बुबालाई मैले पत्रमा लेखेको थिए, “यदि समाजवाद यस्तै नै हो भने, न त मलाई समाजवाद मन पर्छ, न त मलाई समाजवाद नै चाहिन्छ।” बुबा जायज व्यक्ति, मेरा विचारहरूलाई कहिल्यै सिधै अस्वीकृत गर्नु हुँदैनथ्यो। उहाँ मेरा फरक विचार र अनुभवलाई ध्यानपूर्वक सुनेर बुझ्ने प्रयास गर्नुहुन्थ्यो।

~~~

अब धर्म को बारेमा कुरा गरौ। न्यायपूर्ण समाजको बारेमा कुरा हुँदा उहाँ बारम्बार धर्मको विषयमा फर्कनुहुन्थ्यो। उहाँको धर्म को विश्लेषणले यस विषयमा उहाँको गहिरो अध्ययन र सोचलाई देखाउँछ।

युगौँ देखि चलि आएको ब्राह्मणवाद, धार्मिक कट्टरपन्थ, कर्मकाण्डवाद र धर्मको नाममा अन्धविश्वास फैल्यार जनता माथि गरिने शोषणको भने उहाँ कडा आलोचना गर्नुहुन्थ्यो।

तर यी नै धर्मका प्रतीकहरू: भगवान शिव, कृष्ण वा बुद्धको भने कहिल्यै आलोचना गर्नुभएन। बरु वेद, उपनिषद्, गीता र बौद्ध धर्मको गहन अध्ययनमा उहाँले समाजवादको जरा फेला पार्नु भयो।

“समाजवाद कुनै नयाँ विचार होइन,” भन्दै उहाँ संस्कृतमा उद्धरण गर्नुहुन्थ्यो:

“ॐ। सह नाववतु।

सह नौ भुनक्तु।

सह वीर्यं करवावहै।

तेजस्वि नावधीतमस्तु।

मा विद्विषावहै।

ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः॥”

~ तैत्तिरीयोपनिषद्

भन्नाले - "हामी सबैको रक्षा होस्। हामी सबैलाई भोजन, ज्ञान र ऊर्जा को प्राप्ति होस्। हामी मिलेर परिश्रम गरौँ। मिलेर अध्ययन गरौ र तेजस्वी हौं। अनि कहिलै एक अर्काप्रति द्वेष नगरौँ।"

“गीतालाई बुझ्न त्यति सरल छैन।” उहाँ भन्नुहुन्थ्यो
“मैले कयौँ यस्ता व्यक्ति देखेको छु जो गीतालाई पहिल्याउने प्रयासमा पागल नै भएका छन्।”

“गीतामा जब कृष्णले ‘म’ भन्नुहुन्छ—उहाँले त्यो ‘म’ मा सारा मानव जातिलाई समेट्नु हुन्छ।

“यदा यदा हि धर्मस्य ग्लानिर्भवति भारत ।

अभ्युत्थानमधर्मस्य तदात्मानं सृजाम्यहम्‌ ॥”

~ भगवद् गीता (४.७ )

“अर्थात्, जब जब धर्मको नास हुन्छ र अधर्मको वृद्धि हुन्छ, तब तब धर्मको रक्षा गर्न र अधर्मको नाश गर्न, र धर्म पुनः स्थापना गर्न म स्वयम् प्रकट हुनेछु।”

त्यस्तैः

“समोऽहं सर्वभूतेषु न मे द्वेष्योऽस्ति न प्रिय: |

ये भजन्ति तु मां भक्त्या मयि ते तेषु चाप्यहम् ||”

~ भगवद् गीता (४.२७)

“अर्थात्, म न त कसैप्रति द्वेष गर्दछु न कसैको पक्ष लिन्छु। सबै प्राणी मेरा लागी समान छन् ।”

“शिवलाई नै हेरन। देवता र असुरमा भेद नगरी, सारा जगत् कल्याणको लागी उनले विष नै निले।”

कर्मप्रति विश्वास - अनि नैतिकता र सदाचारको नीतिको महत्व माथि सधैँ जोर दिनुभयो। एक पटक एउटा पसलेले मलाई १० रुपैयाँ बढी फिर्ता दिँदा आफूलाई खुबै भाग्यमानी ठानी रहेको थिए। त्यो खुसी बुबालाई सुनाए। तर उहाँले मलाई त्यो पैसा पसलेलाई नै फिर्ता गर्न लगाउनुभयो। त्यो मेरा लागी इमानदारिताको एउटा पाठ थियो— आफूले कमाएको बाहेक अरूको एक पैसा पनि कहिल्यै नलिनु।

एक चोटी बुबाले हामीलाई माधव राज जोशीको जीवनको एक रोचक र रहस्यमय प्रसङ्ग सुनाउनु भएको याद आउंछ। माधव राज जोशी - शहीद शुक्रराज शास्त्रीका पिता। वहाँले सन् १८९६ मा नेपालमा आर्य समाजको स्थापना गर्नु भएको थियो। त्यस बखतका विद्वान र समाज सुधारक उनी पण्डितहरूलाई भने खासै रुचाउँदैनथे। त्यसैले, त्यसै समयका दरबारका केही पण्डितहरूले मिलेर उनलाई शास्त्रार्थको बहसमा बोलाएर हराउने र बेइजति गर्ने साजिस गरे । उनी पनि विद्वान न परे, पण्डितहरूले उनलाई हराउन सकेनन्। पण्डितहरूले अब बदला स्वरूप उनले राणा शासकको अपमान गरेको आरोप लगाएर उनलाई पक्राउ गराए। तर अहम्तामा मग्न ती पण्डितको हबिगत के भयो भन्नुहुन्छ भने, भाग्यले ति पाँचैका लागी अचम्मको खेल खेल्यो। भनिन्छ - कोही बाटो-नाकामा बहुलाएर, “माधव राज नै सही थिए” भन्दै चिच्याउँदै कराउँदै भौँतारीरहेको देखिन्थे। एक जना खोलामा नुहाउन गएका - कहिल्यै फर्केर आएनन्। बाँकी अरु पण्डितहरू पनि त्यस्तै त्यस्तै असामान्य घटनाका पात्र बन्न पुगे। यसबाट लिन सकिने एउटै पाठ भनेको कसैको कुभलो नचिताउनु भन्ने हो। नत्र कर्मले त्यसको पैँचो अवश्य तिराउनेछ।

~~~

संसार मा विद्वान त धेरै छन। तर हरेक व्यक्तिसँग उनीहरूकै स्तरमा रहेर संवाद गर्न सक्ने छ्मता कमै मा हुन्छ। उहाँमा त्यो विशेष गुण थियो। दर्शनशास्त्र, मार्क्सवाद र द्वन्द्वात्मक भौतिकवादजस्ता जटिल सिद्धान्तहरूलाई पनि उहाँ साधारण दृष्टान्तहरू दिएर सरल भाषामा बुझाउने गर्नुहुन्थ्यो। मेरो विचारमा, सबै महापुरुषहरूमा यो गुण अनिवार्य हुने गर्छ। उहाँको यो गुणको म निकै कदर गर्थे।

सबेरै उठेर बुबा लामो मोर्निंग वाकमा जानु हुन्थ्यो। अहिले म पनि त्यहि गर्छु। कहिलेकाहीँ उहाँ ध्यान पनि गर्ने गर्नुहुन्थ्यो। मैले पनि ध्यान गर्न थालेको धेरै भयो।

“ध्यान गर्न बस्यो कि निन्द्रा लागेर आउँछ।”, बुबाले आमालाई भन्नुभएको याद आउंछ। आजकल त्यो कुरा सम्झेर म मुस्कुराउने गर्छु। आज, धेरै नभएपनि ध्यानबारे आफुलाई केहि त थाहा भएको जस्तो लाग्छ। “बुबालाई ध्यानमा केहि मद्दत गर्न पाएको भए हुन्थ्यो” भन्ने मनमा आभास हुन्छ। केही नभए पनि ध्यान गर्ने क्रममा आउने पाँच बाधाहरू मध्ये एक — निद्रा र थकानलाई कसरी हटाउने भन्ने त सिकाउन सक्थेँ कि जस्तो लाग्छ।

परिश्रमी, एकाग्रता, र निरन्तरता - बुबाका यी गुणहरू पनि मेरा लागी अति नै सराहनीय छन्। सधैँ सबेरै ४ बजे नै उठेर उहाँ लेख्न बसेको मैले स्वयम् देखेको छु।

“यो दिमाग हतियार जस्तै हो, जति चलायो, उति धारिलो।” उहाँ भन्ने गर्नुहुन्थ्यो।

कहिलेकाहीँ म गणितको कुनै समस्यामा अल्झेको देख्दा बुबा मलाई नेपोलियनको उदाहरण दिनुहुन्थ्यो। नेपोलियन आफ्नो हिसाबको हल ननिस्केसम्म तीन-तीन दिनसम्म पनि कोठा बाहिरे निस्किँदैनथे रे।

“त्यसैले, कुनै पनि वस्तुको अध्ययन गर्दा एकै पटकमा बुझिएन भने कहिल्यै हार नमान्नु। बरु तीन चोटि दोहोऱ्याउनु। फेरी पनि बुझिएन भने पाँच चोटि दोहोऱ्याउनु। त्यसपछि त कसो नबुझिएला।”

हरेक छोराले आफ्ना बुबालाई आदर्श मान्ने गर्छ र आफ्नो पिताको सर-सल्लाह, विचार र धारणाको ठुलो मान गर्ने गर्छ। धेरै पहिले मैले एउटा कथा लेखेको थिए। त्यो मैले उहाँलाई पनि देखाएँ। बुबाले पनि मेरो रचनालाई मन पराइ दिनुभयो। किन होला, अब दुनियाँले त्यो कथा मन पराओस् या नपराओस्, मलाई कुनै फरक परेन। किनकि बुबाले मन पराइ दिनुभएकोमा मलाई निकै गर्व र सन्तोष थियो। आखिर पिताको मत किन यति महत्त्वपूर्ण हुन्छ?

~~~

अब मैले आफ्नो भविष्यको बारेमा ठोस निर्णय लिनुपर्ने समय आइसकेको थियो। मनमा त बुबालाई सहयोग गर्नका लागी केही गर्न पाएँ झैँ लागिरहन्थ्यो; तर बुबाको जस्तो मेरो मन राजनीतिप्रति थिएन। सायद मेरो मनको कुरा बुबाले चाल पाइसक्नु भएको थियो। आफू मात्र हैन, आफ्नो पुरै परिवारकै बलिदानको माग गर्ने राजनैतिक मार्ग कहाँ सजिलो हुन्छ र? अनि फेरी उहाँ आफूले पाएको दुःख हामीले पनि भोग्नुपरोस् भन्ने चाहनु हुँदैनथ्यो।

त्याग र तपस्या के हो? कसको लागि? पाउन सकिने नाम, धन र सम्पत्ति कसले छोडेर अर्को बाटो लाग्न सक्छ? त्याग को कुरा त सबले गर्छन। तर साँच्चै नै त्यो परिस्थिति आउंदा कति जना आफ्नो अडानमा अटल रहन सक्छन? धेरै कम। मलाई लाग्छ मेरो बुबाले यसको परीक्षा जीवन मा धेरै चोटी दिनु भयो, पटक पटक दिनु भयो।

त्यति बेलाको नेपालमा स्नातक तह हाँसील गर्ने पाँच जनामध्ये बुबा एक हुनुहुन्थ्यो। हो, पुरै नेपालमा। त्यति बेलाको नेपालको एक मात्र बैङ्क नेपाल बैंकमा वहाँले काम सुरु गर्नु भएको थियो। त्यसैलाई निरन्तरता दिनुभएको भए महाप्रबन्धक पदमा नियुक्ति पाउने पक्कापक्की नै थियो। महाप्रबन्धक भएर आराम को जिन्दगी बिताउन सक्नु हुन्थ्यो। तर भाग्यको खेल अर्कै रहेछ। उहाँले राजनीतिलाई नै रोज्नुभयो।

त्यस्तै भारतमा निर्वासनमा रहँदा र आर्थिक रूपमा सङ्घर्ष गरिरहेकै बेला, त्यति बेलाका राजाले उहाँलाई देश फर्केर राज्य व्यवस्थाको हिस्सा बन्न आग्रह पनि गर्नुभएको थियो। आफ्नो मात्रै स्वार्थ पूर्ति को त यो सुनौलो अवसर थियो। तर, त्यो प्रस्तावलाई पनि बुबाले अस्वीकार गर्नुभयो।

यसरी ऐस र आरामको जीवन रोज्ने कयौँ मौकाले ढोका ढकढक्याउदा पनि बुबाले आफ्नै बाटोमा लागिरहनुभयो। अटल। अडिग।

कुनै एक दिन उहाँले मेरो नजिकै आएर भन्नुभएको थियो, “तिमीले भविष्यको लागी जुनसुकै बाटो रोजे पनि त्यसैबाट देश र जनताका हितमा काम गर्न सक्छौँ।” बुबाको यति इसारा मेरा लागी काफी थियो। मैले इन्जिनियर बन्ने निर्णय गरेँ।

~~~

“उहाँले विरासतमा के छोडेर जानुभयो त?” भनेर मानिसहरूलाई सोध्ने मन हुन्छ। अरु तिर औँला ठड्याएर कुरा गर्न सबैलै खुब मन पर्छ - र त्यो जस्तो सजिलो अरू केही काम पनि त छैन। तर मेरो बुबाले जे गर्नुभयो, आफ्नो कर्तव्य पुरा गर्नुभयो। म भन्छु - यस्ता प्रश्न उठाउनेहरूले आफैँलाई प्रश्न गर्नुपर्छ — मैले चैँ देशको लागि के योगदान पुर्‍याए त? यदि मलाई सोध्नुहुन्छ भने, उहाँको इमानदारिता र नैतिकता नै उहाँको विरासत हो। हाम्रो देशका सबै जनताहरूप्रति उहाँको साँचो प्रेम, सदभाव र सहानुभूति गर्न सक्ने क्षमता नै उहाँको विरासत हो। नेपालप्रतिको उहाँको अटुट प्रेम र सच्चा देशभक्ति नै उहाँको विरासत हो। लोभ-लालचले नडगमगाएको उहाँको आदर्श नै उहाँको विरासत हो।

~~~

अब यो लेखनको शीर्षक "फादर्स एण्ड सन्स (बुबाहरू र छोराहरू)" नै किन रहन गयो भनेर सोचिरहनुभएको छ भने, म भन्छु यो म र मेरो बुबाको बारेको मात्रै कथा होइन। यो त हामी सबैको नाता र सम्बन्धहरु को कथा हो। हाम्रो जीवनका नाताहरु बिचको माया र द्वन्द्वहरूको कथा हो।

यो लेख्न सुरु गर्दा संयोगले टुर्गेनेभको उपन्यास "फादर्स एण्ड सन्स" ले झट्ट स्मृतिमा दीप जगायो। त्यस उपन्यासमा टुर्गेनेभले पुस्तागत द्वन्द्वलाई कस्तो प्रभावकारी रूपमा चित्रण गर्नु भएको छ।

हामी सबैले आफ्ना बुबाहरूबाट केही न केही सिकेकै हुन्छौँ। केही केहि कुरा हामी सजिलै स्वीकारछौँ, त केही अस्वीकार पनि गर्छौँ। विचारहरूमा विवाद भए तापनि त्यहाँ प्रेम पनि हुन्छ। हो कहिले काँही आपसमा गलतफहमिहरू पनि हुन सक्छन, तर पनि उत्तिकै सम्मान पनि हुन्छ। बाटो पनि फरक-फरक रोजिन्छ। र पनि थाहै नपाई हृदयको मूलदेखि नै हाम्रो आचरणलाई पिताको प्रभावले छोइसकेको हुन्छ। मेरा यी विचारहरू कहाँबाट आए त? म यसरी किन सोचिरहेछु? कहिले काँही हामीलाई अच्चम लाग्न सक्छ। सुरुमा भने झैँ मानव मन रहस्यपूर्ण छ।

चाणक्यको जीवनमा आधारित एक शृङ्खलामा एउटा निकै मार्मिक दृश्य छ, जुन मलाई अझै पनि स्पष्ट याद छ। यस शृङ्खलाको धेरै कुरा अहिले बिर्से, तर यो एउटा क्षण भने आँखा अगाडी झल्-झलि आइराख्छ। जब चाणक्य धेरै वर्षपछि आफ्नो घर फर्किन्छन्, त्यो भत्कियो झोपडी मा एक छिन रोकिएर उनी आफ्नो बाबु चानकले भनेको कुरा सम्झन्छन्:

“सूर्य नभए पनि दियो बन्ने त अवश्य प्रयास गर्नु।”

मेरो बुबाले पनि मेरा लागी शायद त्यही इच्छा राख्नुभएको थियो होला। र अहिले आएर म पनि मेरा छोरा छोरीको लागि त्यही नै चाहान्छु: “सूर्य नभए पनि दियो बन्ने त अवश्य प्रयास गर्नु। आफूभित्रको अन्धकारलाई हटाइ, सबै तिर उज्यालो छर्ने प्रकाश बन्ने सक्दो प्रयास गर्नु, अनि अरूलाई पनि त्यस्तै बन्न मद्दत गर्नु।

शायद यहि नै जीवन को सार हो।

By Sanjay Amatya

Original in English: May, 2019
Translated to Nepali: June, 2025
Translation: Sukriti Lohani, Pooja Karki
Voice: Achyut Ghimire

Link to original post in English: Fathers & Sons

Whenever I think of Vivekananda, there is a certain reverence and respect that I have only for a few. Many years ago, when I thought I was lost, he helped me understand spirituality, and find myself. When I say “to find myself”, what I mean is to understand things that we need to understand in life. Once you understand those things, I guess life has a little more meaning.

His Selected Works were my bible. I have come back to this book again and again.

Now I see things a little differently. I sometimes feel I do not fully agree with Vivekananda or what the Hindus say. But, that’s OK, I say. What has remained with me is not his passionate talks about the philosophy of Advaita Vedanta and the divinity of the soul, but a few touching talks and stories.

“Being is not consciousness”

In his own words, “Being is not identical to consciousness, but consciousness is part of the Being”. This is very subtle. We think if we could master consciousness, we have achieved our goal. But Swami Vivekananda says the real task is to go beyond consciousness. Beyond consciousness, according to him, there is infinite calmness and bliss. And that is the true nature of the soul.

According to Buddhism, there is no such thing as a soul. There is no permanent self. This whole discussion between Buddhism and Vedanta is pretty weird. But sometimes I think what if the “thing” in Vedanta is the “event” or a “state” in Buddhism? Nirvana, in Buddhism, is not a “thing” but a “state”. And yes, to me, the Buddhist definition makes more sense.

“Serve like Shiva”

I am not sure if these were his words, or if he quoted his guru Ramakrishna Paramhansa’s words. When we talk about spirituality, we get stuck in the concept of God, the soul, a moral life, devotion, and so on. But why is serving so important? I think it’s because serving and helping others selflessly helps us forget ourselves. If we look closely at how our mind works, we find ourselves thinking and worrying about ourselves all the time - about our health, our wealth, about tomorrow, our relationships, guilt about the past, and so on. We are lost in this endless cycle of self-obsession - our minds being busy finding solutions to this and that problem. But when we work for others, it gives us some time to step away from our little ego, which is good for us. So Vivekananda asks: “Why do you need another God when you can find God in millions and millions of poor and suffering people?” Serve them and you will find God. I thought this was a pretty good challenge.

“Be and Make”

We understand a little, but we are in such a hurry to teach others - to make them understand and see what we ourselves haven’t understood. We want others to see what we haven’t seen yet. We say “be kind” to others, but where is that kindness within ourselves? We say “Don’t be angry” but do we have control over our anger? So Vivekananda says: you have to “be” first before you can “make”.

“Face the brutes!”

I think I read this story in Swami Vivekananda’s biography. As the story goes, after visiting the famous temple of goddess Durga, Swami Vivekananda was walking along the river Ganges in the city of Benares, with a bag of puffed rice that he had bought in the temple. So he was walking and suddenly realized that a group of monkeys was following him (they were after the puffed rice). And he starts running to avoid them. But they run after him.

Then suddenly, he hears a voice of a sadhu: “Face the brutes!”

He stops and faces the monkeys. And just like that they scatter away and disappear.

This is an interesting story that deals with one of our strongest emotions: fear. Fear is one of the fiercest brutes inside each of us, ready to pounce on us. We are scared! We are scared all the time! And what are we scared of? We are scared of catching some incurable disease, losing all the wealth we have accumulated, losing friends and family, and being alone. So, the brute is always there, laughing at us. We handle one, and there is another one waiting for us. We want to run away from this brute and hide somewhere. But where?

So the lesson is: we will not resolve the issue of fear as long as we run away from them, or pretend not to see it. The only way to resolve it for good is to face them.

In his own words: “All misery comes from fear, from unsatisfied desire. Man will find that he never dies, and then he will have no more fear”.

“We are all like birds on a tree”

It’s probably from his Selected Works, but I have not been able to find the exact location where he talks about it.

He says we are all like birds who, one evening, have come together to find shelter on a tree. There are many different kinds of birds. The birds share the tree and mingle together, but the next morning they will all fly away to their destinations. Meaning this earth is the tree for us human beings. We live here, we have family, we have friends - but the time will come for all of us one day to say goodbye and move on to some other destination. What a comparison! I felt a little sad thinking about the impermanence of our own lives - this life- being just a stop in this long journey of many many lives where we come again and again.

Today -
I feel like that Neil Diamond song
Wondering where I belong

A certain emptiness
In my head
Someone sings "I am, I said"

This town is quite fine
I had a fabulous time
But deep inside …
There are memories of a distant valley
I used to call home

My old mother
Who used to welcome me with a smile
Now that she is gone
For whom shall I come?

Words of my father:
“Serve the country in any form you can”
Still echo in my ears
A debt we all have to pay
Someday

Here I am
Stuck in a web created by my own mind
Hoping to solve the problems of mankind
The duel of “for” and “against”
A heart full of angst
Looking for reasons and meanings

I think I need a little inspiration
Maybe a little push
To take that decisive turn
Embark on a journey of no return

Where is my country?
But, what is “mine”?
Where do I belong?
But, who am “I”?
What are these feelings?
I am trying to understand

A certain emptiness
Tormenting me inside
A silent song
Someone humming inside

I lay awake
While the world eats and sleeps
I remember the days
That have now gone by

Whatever given, now taken away
I stand here empty handed
And watch it all drift away

Everything changes
Nothing remains
All phenomenons empty of nature
Oh, the irony of the Maker!

My meditation
Just a moment’s peace
Within my mind’s ocean
Particles of thoughts floating in a sun’s ray

“Are you lost?” someone asked
“Wait,” I heard myself say
“What if I am about to find myself”

Why this craving to belong?
When you know you and this universe is just one
What am I searching for?
When there is nothing to find
Where to go?
When everything within

When you read about it and hear from others, you can only imagine what it will be like. There is a curiosity and doubts if you can do it.

“Ten days of noble silence.”
“Only one meal a day.”
“Waking up at 4 AM for meditation.”
“Over 6 hours of meditation every day.”

After driving almost five hours along the lonely highways of Iowa and Illinois, we arrived in Dhamma Pakasa Vipassana Center - a beautiful place with little ponds, trails, beautifully maintained lawns and gardens.

After all, leaving everything behind, without even a phone for communication and away from family, and living a monk-like life for ten days, is a drastic change for a layperson.

These ten days were very special to me. In this quietness, I had the opportunity to reflect and contemplate. I was already interested in Buddhism and practiced meditation before this, but after the trip, my resolve strengthened, and I was able to take my Buddhism study further. Here are a few things I learned.

#1 There’s a lunatic in all of us

The lunatic is in my head
... you lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me

~ Pink Floyd / Brain Damage

Not me, I am perfectly sane - you must be thinking. But all it takes is taking a little deeper dive into our minds to see all its idiosyncrasies at play.

“What exactly meditation gives you?” people often ask. The short answer is like Pink Floyd sings, it will bring you face to face with yourself and let you see the lunatic in your head.

And you ask, who is this lunatic? It is the one sitting in some corner of all of our heads: the obsessive lunatic who always needs to be doing something, the one who wants to impress others, the one who wants to own the whole world and be wealthier than the wealthiest person, the one who wants to experience all possible lust and sensual pleasures out there, the one who is constantly chattering inside, telling stories, creating and recreating dreams and so on.

There’s a story about a man I read somewhere. He was a wise man, who used to sing songs of “beauty of life” and how blessed we are to be alive, and that we should all appreciate this life. Once, he learned about the suicide by a young guy in town, and he told others how this young man did not understand life and wasted God’s gift. Years later, the neighborhood people learned of the sad news that this wise man committed suicide. They were shocked. How is it possible? What this story tells us is until things happen to us, we are all sane. But few know that there is a very fine line separating the sane from the insane. As long as the situation is good for us, we are all happy and ready to sing songs of joy. But once it is not, the lunatic strikes back.

This is why Freud declared: “Man, as he is, can never be happy.”

#2 Searching for a meaning and why the God question is a distraction

After my mother’s passing away in 2014, there was a big void in my heart - that just wouldn’t go away. I remember the nights when I searched for answers on the Internet for questions like “What is bardo?”, “Is there a life after death?”, “Is there a soul without a body?”

If rebirth is true, I wondered; by now, my mother has been reborn somewhere. Will I be able to see her again in this life? Will I recognize her if I met her?

Have you ever looked into the eyes of an older person with dementia? What feelings has it evoked in you? What does that silent stare into nothingness tell you about the person sitting next to you? It is a terrifying feeling. You suffer along with the person who suffers. Inside your mind a thought is rising, and a certain fear grips the soul. It’s the fear that we are all in a queue, to the same destination, and it is just a matter of time, and we will also be there. We come face to face with our mortality. Death is the mother of all fears, as they say.

I felt, whatever I knew, everything I had read, all the rituals of my religion - was simply useless. I needed answers. And this is when I found Buddha - with a clear message and a clear path to follow. And he proves Freud wrong.

Buddha said the questions of God and a Soul are a distraction and mask the fundamental problem of human suffering. And I realized, at that very moment, he is right. How will it help if someone told us that there is a God? There is a God, but you still suffer. Then, you will ask what use is God.

You are like a man who has been shot, who is bleeding and suffering. But instead of treatment, you are asking stupid questions: Who is the shooter? What kind of bullet have I been shot with?

How can we get to the answer if all this time we had been asking the wrong questions? I didn’t care if there is an Almighty God out there somewhere. I didn’t care if there was a heaven or if there was a soul. I cared about this deep-seated anxiety that I faced right here and now.

This is how a new chapter started in my life - diving into Buddha’s teachings and practicing the meditation technique he gave us.

#3 Gods, Power and Freedom

Coming from a Hindu background, I have always wondered about our angry Gods and sages. For example, why is sage Durvasa always angry, always cursing anyone and everyone he meets? He curses Indra to lose all his powers. He curses goddess Laxmi to be separated from her husband ( Sita ). He even curses Lord Krishna and Lord Shiva. And take Indra - the king of the Gods - always running after lustful things - women, power, and whatnot. And the silly and crazy things he does to top it all - it goes beyond my understanding why is he even called the King of Gods. Is this the picture of a fully enlightened being?

And then there’s a picture of the Buddha - calm and peaceful, and of course, always compassionate.

After Vipassana, I seemed to find a hint for the answers to my questions. In Vipassana, we learn that both concentration and insight are essential to get enlightened. Could it be that our Hindu sages practiced only concentration and just got the powers, but they did not have insight and therefore lacked compassion? My small mind wondered.

Vipassana - the direct translation of this ancient Pali word into English is insight. But then again, we might ask what insight is? Insight into the nature of things and the ability to look at things as they are. Reading this one sentence, it seems simple and straightforward, but it is not. It took me some time to understand what precisely this insight meant, what it has got to do with meditation, and why Buddha called it the highest wisdom.

Vipassana, as taught by Goenka, might be slightly different than what Buddha must have taught. It seems to be the simplified version to suit the laypeople. There is no such sutta as Vipassana, but references can be found in Satipatthāna Sutta discourse.

So the next question we might have in our minds is how is Vipassana different than the meditation techniques that have existed for thousands of years, even before Buddha. It is difficult to say what kind of meditation was practiced 2000 - 3000 years ago, but what we can say, with some level of confidence, is the meditation techniques before Buddha mainly focused on concentration ( Samatha ). Samatha meditation can indeed bring deep levels of absorption and is responsible for higher states of Jhanas. But according to Vipassana, Samatha is only one aspect of the mind. It should go hand in hand with Vipassana for the final penetration of reality.

So concentration can give you powers, but insight is needed for final liberation. Could this be the reason why sage Durvasa had powers but not insight? They say even Devadutta had powers and reached higher levels of Jhanas but lacked the insight. Because once you have the wisdom through insight, you are not capable of cursing anyone. You will be compassionate to all and everything - like Buddha was.

#4 Losing and then finding my religion

To everyone who is not a Buddhist already, there is this question at the back of our minds - what does it mean to be a Buddhist? So we give up our religion to be a student of the Buddha?

Born a Hindu, I was also confused about this and had my doubts and fears. And on our journey, we learn that this fear comes from the fact that we have not understood what we call Dharma.

It is easy to declare: “I am a Hindu,” “I am an atheist,” “I believe in God,” and so on.

But if we look a bit deeper into our own words, we understand that what we believe is some words and concepts that have been put into our heads by someone else - that are loud but have no meaning. Our Gods and beliefs, or non-beliefs, are made up by our minds.

Buddha shows us a new meaning of Dharma.

“All that we are is the result of our thoughts,
It is made up of our thoughts
If a man acts or speaks with evil thought,
Pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage”

“The world does not know that we must all come to an end here;
But those who know it, their quarrels cease at once.”

~ Buddha / Dhammapada

Dharma is one and universal. There is no Hindu Dharma and Buddhist Dharma, my Dharma or your Dharma. Dharma is eternal, a reality of nature and our lives - a natural phenomenon. Dharma is to be able to see and understand the impermanence in nature and our own lives. Good deeds will bring good to you; evil intentions, thoughts, and acts will eventually make you live in a state of hell. There is no need for a God who oversees this task - to keep records and punish. As Buddha said, these natural laws were there before me and before all the buddhas of the world, and they will continue to be.

Thus the Buddha declared: “Es Dhammo Sanatano ( Dharma is Eternal )”

#5 Stop counting others’ cows

This is one of the biggest lessons for anyone, in any field. So it gets its own title. You can read all Vedas and Puranas, you can have all the knowledge in the world, but the realization is far from you unless you practice. And that practice is meditation. As long as we just read books and listen to nice YouTube talks, we are like that cowherd who counts others’ cows but has none of his. Buddha is asking us to talk less and practice more.

#6 The path is simple, but it’s not easy

We start with our breath as the object of meditation. Such a simple thing, it seems. But watch your mind for the next ten seconds, and you will see how your mind has fleeted away from breath to something else. And now you have to bring the awareness back to your breath - again and again. Simple, yes. Easy, definitely not. And breath is just the beginning.

Before we begin something, we need to have a clear understanding of what we want to achieve. When we talk about motivation to meditate, some want just to relax, some want to fall asleep, some want to do it because now everyone started doing it, and some want nirvana.

To me, the motivation are these words by the Buddha:

Meditate, don’t be negligent,
lest you may later regret it!

~ Buddha

I first heard these words by the Buddha to a monk in a discourse called Introduction to Jhanas by Bhante Gunaratna. Bhikku Analyo’s book Sattipathana Sutta also starts with these words of the Buddha. Whenever I am negligent and lazy to meditate, these words are sharp reminders to get up and meditate. Hearing these Pali words gives me some sense of how Buddha’s original discourse must have been like. It feels like Buddha is directly talking to you. This has been my motivation.

#7 The mind is the master

Buddha, as part of Sila, laid out five precepts for laypeople and then extended it to eight precepts for more serious practitioners (or for laypeople during certain times of dedicated practice):

• Refrain from killing living creatures

• Refrain from taking what is not given

• Refrain from sexual misconduct ( as part of 8 precepts, this will mean no sexual activity )

• Refrain from false/hateful speech

• Refrain from intoxicants

• Refrain from eating outside the time ( #6 )

• Refrain from dancing, singing, music, going to see entertainments, wearing garlands, perfumes, and cosmetics ( #7 )

• Refrain from high or large sleeping beds ( #8 )

The ten-day Vipassana course is the practice of 8 precepts. I had doubts about #6. What to do if you are hungry in the evening? I noticed that there were pangs of hunger the first few days when the body asked for food. But after that, no more. It showed me first-hand how the mind is the master. Once the mind accepts and tells the body there is no food in the evening, the body obliges and stops the revolt.

Another incident that taught me something about the mind was when I felt excruciating pain sitting hours in a half-lotus position. The pain started on the 3rd day, and on the 5th day, I decided to use a chair instead. After all, many were already doing that. Then that day, after lunch, I got a knock on my door, and a senior student told me the teacher wanted to see me. I was surprised. Why would she want to see me? When I went there, she asked me about using the chair. I told her about the pain sitting in a half-lotus position, and she smiled and said, “look at your Samkharas - observe the pain, and they are bound to go away. Don’t give in so easily.” And I gave up the chair, and yes, the pain went away the next day.

So the lesson is: the mind is the master. We are not aware of what we are capable of until we do it.

#8 The 10000-hour rule and the point of no return

Meditation does not come easy. It is not something you can force or learn. It is not a magic pill that someone can give you to make you happy. It takes hard work and determination. Some time back, my friend reminded me of the 10000-hour rule that makes us experts in a specific skill, recommending me to read a book called Outliers. I had read an article earlier about this 10000-hour rule. And it made sense to me. We have to put our hours to be good at a meaningful skill. Some might have had good luck being born with carry-over of good karma from previous lives. For the rest of us, the only formula to get results is hard work.

The last time I looked in my meditation timer, I had almost 1000 hours logged. And maybe 1000 more before I started tracking? It seems silly, but I am curious about this and how it will play out in my practice.

Many have taken the Vipassana course. They tell stories about how wonderful it was and so on. But as time passes, we seem not able to keep up with the two-hour meditation routine. It seems much easier to binge watch TV, browse the net, social media or do something else to forget yourself. It is a real problem, but we have to come back to it repeatedly, just like the technique.

Those who cross the river are few
Most will just wander around the banks

~ Buddha / Dhammapada

On the bright side, there comes a stage or a moment in a meditator’s life when he has a beautiful experience.

“Wow! There’s a state like this!” he wonders.

Yes, there is a state that is better than anything else you have experienced in your life: better than any sensual pleasures, better than when you felt rich when your best stock skyrocketed, better than any intoxicants, and better than the best food you ever had—a state of total silence. It’s a paradox because we always associate happiness with some external activity or happening. Until this moment, we are skeptical; we have doubts about the meditation practice. But after this moment, there is no return. We will move on and will not look back. Our doubts about Buddha and the path will disappear.

#9 All imaginations are just imaginations

“I felt an out-of-body experience,” “My chakras are awakening,” “I think my third-eye is opening” - I have heard and read some stories like these. People telling such stories have no clue what they are talking about. If your third-eye opened, you wouldn’t be talking about it. But it definitely makes us smile to hear such stories.

These imaginations are more prevalent in visualization meditation techniques, where meditators start imagining all kinds of things. That is why Vipassana emphasizes bare attention that should see these as mere mental formations and let them go.

But are there not special experiences happening to meditators? Yes, there are. In his A Critical Analysis of Jhanas Bhante Gunaratna describes in detail the stages of meditative states - and what we might encounter in each of these stages. But there is a clear distinction between what you “imagine” and the energy-level changes that happen during meditation.

#10 Gurus and shops

Sometimes, I wished for a guru like Ramakrishna was to Vivekananda. According to Vivekananda’s biography, something that happened to him on his second visit to Ramakrishna shocked him. Ramakrishna had touched Vivekananda with his foot taking him to a different realm. I think we all have wished for such a guru.

But where are gurus like Ramakrishna these days? Yes, there are gurus, but all of them are busy building billion-dollar empires. There are shops everywhere, and I try to stay away from anyone trying to sell something to me. I found Goenka’s Vipassana center different from this perspective. The center relies on dana ( generous offering or gift ), not a fee. It is based on what one is capable of giving vs what is asked for. Just like your visit’s cost has been paid by someone else before you, your dana is paying for the students who visit after you.

Buddha’s teachings and teachings of other great gurus should be free for all humanity. Be wary of gurus setting shops of religion and putting a price on the teachings of the original gurus. Buddha has said, the Dhamma dana is the greatest dana. We should be careful of anyone trying to set up a shop and create their spiritual business empire.

If you did not find a guru, no problem. Buddha is your guru. Shiva is your guru. Try to get to their original teachings. Study their original works. I don’t think I need more gurus. Buddha has already laid out in detail the path in his eight-fold path. All you need to do is diligently and honestly follow it.

#11 A word of caution ...

I have read several articles recently that are anti-Vipassana or anti-meditation in general. Here’s one from Harper’s magazine I came across recently:

“More than fifty published studies have documented meditation-induced mental health problems, including mania, dissociation, and psychosis. In 2012, leading meditation researchers in the United Kingdom published a set of guidelines for meditation instructors, noting “risks for participants,” including depression, traumatic flashbacks, and increased suicidal ideation. Four years later, the U.S. National Institutes of Health cautioned that “meditation could cause or worsen symptoms in people with certain psychiatric problems.”

~ Harper’s Magazine / Lost in Thought

So, is meditation dangerous? I think it could be.

But let’s be clear about a couple of things -

(a) Buddha taught Dhamma, not just meditation

In my Vipassana retreat, I had the opportunity to meet and talk to a fellow meditator who was a neuroscientist and a professor at a university studying the effect of meditation on the mind. It was a good talk on how the mind is so complex, and scientists have not understood everything and still figuring out how meditation works.

But the important thing is Buddha taught Dhamma as a way of life, not just meditation, which is being used as a quick remedy to mental problems. It is only recently the Mindfulness meditation gurus have started taking bits and pieces of Buddha’s teaching and packaging into small bundles as a remedy for relaxation, calm, and some mental issues.

When we say Dhamma, it includes:

Sila - the morality aspect,
Samadhi - meditation or concentration aspect,
Panna - final wisdom to see things as they are.

We see that people do not want to follow the Sila or the morality aspect, which is the foundation for Samadhi.

(b) Understanding Buddha’s teachings in the context

Buddha taught his Dhamma more than 2600 years ago. Now, we need to understand the context and his teachings as a whole. So meditation should go hand in hand with Buddha’s core philosophies. Without that, we just get attached to a few ideas that appeal to us.

(c) Understanding one’s mind and facing the fears

“I have anxiety and depression. Without a cause.”

Have you heard such statements before? I have. The first part is fine, the problem is with the second part - “without a cause.” According to Buddha, everything that arises (what is called Samkhara) has a cause and a condition and is bound to recondition (disappear into some other form). So, the answer is no - nothing happens without a cause and condition. The mental phenomenon happening inside our minds are no different.

Bhante Gunaratna, in one of his discourses, talking on fetters, asks, “Have you seen a small plant in a desert? It is so small, but when you try to take it out, you can’t do it because, below the ground, it has a huge network of roots.”

Yes, our mind is like that small plant in a desert. What we can see and grasp is just the conscious mind. Down below, there is a vast unknown - the subconscious mind. There has been much research, but even scientists do not know how this unconscious mind works.

Imagine this. You sit to meditate. It’s all quiet. Suddenly you realize that at this moment, all the tags and labels you have been accumulating are slowly disappearing - “I am an engineer,” “I am a father,” “I am a mother,” “I am a doctor,” “I am a celebrity,” “I am famous.” The world goes on without you. And you thought it would stop. In this quietness, there are no relationships. In this quietness, it’s time to face yourself. And for most of us, it is the most challenging thing to do - to face oneself. To face oneself is to face one’s egos and demons lurking around in the subconscious mind. They bubble up when you meditate. It is indeed difficult to face these fears and feelings we weren’t even aware existed. And that small lunatic in you becomes a monster lunatic and totally overwhelms you.

So if you want to meditate, be prepared to face the dark side of your mind.

#12 There is no tomorrow - hurry!

Buddha says, there can only be 2 mistakes on the path: (1) Not starting and (2) Not finishing what you started.

The time is now, not five-years later, not ten-years later. Green leaves are turning yellow, if you noticed. You do not know how much time you have before the yellow leaves dry and fall down. Therefore, Hurry!

You are as the yellow leaf.
The messengers of death are at hand.
You are to travel far away.
What will you take with you?

You are the lamp
To lighten the way.
Then hurry, hurry.

When your light shines
Without impurity or desire
You will come into the boundless country.

Your life is falling away.
Death is at hand.
Where will you rest on the way?
What have you taken with you?

You are the lamp
To lighten the way.
Then hurry, hurry.

When your light shines purely
You will not be born

And you will not die.

~ Buddha / Dhammapada

"You ask yourself: where are those dreams of yours? You shake your head and say: how the years go by! And again you ask yourself: what have you done with your life? Where have you buried your best years? Have you lived or not? More years will pass, bringing dismal loneliness with them, and then shivering old age will come leaning on a crutch, and after that just misery and bleakness. Your phantom world will grow dim, your dreams will wither and fall like dead yellow leaves."

-- Dostoyevsky. White Nights

On a beautiful Monday morning not too long ago, I was having a chat with my fellow coder. At one point, he said:
“I wake up every day with this question: What’s the point?”
“What’s the point of everything and anything we do? The age-old question of finding meaning to life”, I thought to myself. And I struggled to answer.
“I don’t know either”, I wanted to say. But something else came out:
“Maybe the point is to do good for others and enjoy the deed itself.”
“Work without expectation of results?” He smiled.
“Yes. Our hands to work and our minds to God? Maybe?” I repeated what I had read in one of the essays by Vivekananda.
“That is there, but still …”

He was not satisfied with my answer. I could see. Well, somewhere inside, I was not satisfied with my own answer either.

“What’s the point of it all?”
Now it was me who started to dwell on the question. This work. The family. The house. Money. More money. Fame. And the list goes on …
Every day we wake up. We hurry to get ready for work. Spend the day at work — pretending to be busy and doing something useful. We complain. We whine. Browse things online: some unnecessary news, and consume social media. And tomorrow — some more of the same stuff.

For me, it’s the Tuesdays — the trash day. The familiar sound of that trash truck around 7 in the morning.
“It’s another Tuesday”, I think to myself while I roll the trash container. How many Tuesdays have come and gone? Some more and then some more. And there will be a final Tuesday?

Where’s the end to this cycle?

“The only difference between me and you is that I am awake”, said Buddha. Are we all sleep-walking zombies then? I am as awake as possible, we might think. But to understand what Buddha said, we need to dig a little bit deeper into our own minds. And then we might learn some things about ourselves. We just know we are going somewhere, doing the same thing that everyone else is doing — but not really sure — for what.

I remember the day I saw the house again. I had lived for many years here. My mother had wanted a house, and we built one. I was so proud we were able to do that for my mother. You should see the pride in a mother’s eye for her son’s accomplishment! I sometimes look back and think this was the best reward of my life — that pride of a mother. But now that she is gone, this house somehow does not have the same meaning to me anymore. It was just a big empty house, which had lost its soul. The feeling and attachment to the house had gone. It had lost all the point.

It’s like everything makes sense for a moment, and when that moment is gone — it’s gone. A bubble arises in water and then disappears. What’s the point? A leaf falls from a tree and is swept away by the wind. What’s the point?

In some way, yes the question does not make any sense and has no apparent explanation. It seems in the end, there is no point in anything we do.

An article I read in Scientific American started thus:

“When the majority of stars reach the end of their life, they make their own funeral pyre, throwing off most of their remaining gas in a glorious last display of their immense power and leaving behind a dense, cinder like core known as a white dwarf. But what becomes of any planets orbiting such a star?”

There’s an “I” in each one of us, including all these stars, this earth, and the moon. Everything is floating in the lap of this time-machine. Looking at the world, and beyond this world, the Sun, the stars, the galaxy we are in, and the galaxies far away, the black hole that sucks everything up, this Universe and maybe more Universes — and then we look at ourselves and think what are we? A dust particle? Yes, hard to swallow — as insignificant as that.

We ask ourselves what’s the point. By doing so the mind is just throwing a problem at ourselves, and then we spend the life thinking about it. Thoughts are the middlemen, and our mind is full of these middlemen. We could never have a direct transaction.

Driving all the way home, I was thinking about all this. And then at home, I watched a documentary called Being 97. It was about a 97-year old philosopher, who wrote a book about Death. He says he wrote that book some 20 years ago and in it, he wrote:
“There’s nothing to be afraid of death. Because once you die, you do not suffer.”
But now, much older, much closer to death — he says he sees the things a bit differently. It is a foolish question, he concludes.

In what sense is this question foolish, I wondered. It is one thing to ponder at something philosophically, and then it is another thing to endure it yourself.

“The quality of life was not there” Sometimes I hear this justification that it was OK for such and such person to go. But what does the man who has to go, think? How much value does his life have for him?

“Where was it”, Raskolnikov thought as he walked on, “where was it that I read of how a condemned man, just an hour before his death, said or thought that if he had to live on some high crag, on a ledge so small that there was no more than the room, for his two feet — with all about him in the abyss, the ocean, eternal solitude, and eternal storms — and he would remain there, on that narrow strip of ground for all his life, for a thousand years, throughout all eternity — it would be better to go on living thus than to die once! Only to live, to live on! No matter how — only to live! — How true! Lord, how true! How low man is! — And he who calls him low is low himself!” he added, a minute later."

— Dostoyevsky. Crime & Punishment

How true!

The 97-year-old philosopher looks out of the window and says, “I have been looking at this tree for so many years, but only now I realize how beautiful this tree is.”

It’s a sad moment. Why do we all realize this truth only in the end?

In the book, Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, the list goes something like this:

• I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me,

• I wish I hadn’t worked so hard,

• I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings,

• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends,

• I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Do we even wake up in the end? We listen, but we are not really listening. We pray, but our minds are wandering. We look at someone, but we are not really looking. The mind seems to be busy in its own fantasy. The mind is looking for things to do to cover up reality, looking for happiness. We have friends, TV, internet, parties and sports to entertain us. Something to keep our minds engaged and feel that we are happy. But happiness is like a drug that makes us lull, making us unable to see things as they are. And inside there is some hidden dissatisfaction, unexplainable suffering that we are not ready to face. This is the classic face your samkharas or hide behind your ignorance moment.

So what is this suffering? Not the physical suffering, but the mysterious suffering that cannot be explained. No matter who you are — king or the beggar — it is there, lying in the deep layers of the subconscious mind. Could this be the root of the question we asked in the first place: what’s the point?

“All conditioned things are impermanent” — when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering. This is the path to purification.
“All conditioned things are unsatisfactory” — when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering. This is the path to purification.
“All things are not-self” — when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering. This is the path to purification.

— Dhammapada (277, 278, 279)

To understand Dukkha (suffering), Anicca (impermanence) and Anatta (no-self) — the three pali words that summarize Buddha’s teaching is good. But to see as Buddha saw, we have to get rid of the junk that we have accumulated in our minds. Otherwise, just like Buddha said, we will be like that cowherd who just counts others’ cows.

Only after reading Buddha’s teachings, again and again, I feel I have got a hint of the answer. It’s just a hint, but that’s fine.

The problem is we are trying to find a resolution to this question within the boundaries of our thoughts, understanding and mind.

Buddha did not talk about God. He did not promise heaven. But he did talk about a state of mind that is called no-mind, which is beyond the boundaries of thoughts. This is the state where the question itself becomes meaningless. To work towards this state, as shown by Buddha, and other great teachers may be the point. Once you get to that state, the question has to disappear and an answer will not be required.

At least, that’s how I reached my conclusion. Now, how to get to that state?

Buddha said:
“Meditate, O Monk! Don’t just lament crying ‘suffering, suffering’. Work hard for your salvation!”

The question is: are we willing to put the effort needed to walk the path of Dhamma to get what we want? I believe that it is an individual journey for each of us to take.

It has been 22 years. I clearly remember that day when my father passed away. And here I sit and think about him. Some times when I am alone and thinking of him, it scares me that I am now slowly forgetting him. I try hard to remember his voice and how it sounded like — but that voice seems to have disappeared, never to come back. It is difficult to describe this feeling. And it amazes me how our minds work.

If there is anything good in me, and for anything that I have been able to achieve in life, I owe it to my father, who I rightfully call as my first guru — who taught me a lot, with fewest of words.

I remember the day he died. And I look back now at those moments. I was standing there outside, with people around. Somehow I felt there were multiple times when my mind went into altered states. I was out of the present and somewhere else, not with the people around. What was that? I had asked myself many times later on.

His body had arrived from the hospital. I remember looking at the body, and I looked carefully. I remember thinking — this is not my father. That person who I had called father all my life, had left. He was not this body — cold, expressionless, helpless. Where are you? A question arose.

That night, the body burned. Sitting by the riverside, I watched it disappear slowly, turning to ash. Random pops and crackles of the wood, and the sparks that flew to light up the night. The river flowed silently. The rush of the day, that swarm of people who came to pay respect was not there anymore. Only a few close relatives and friends were left. Someone on the other side of the river bank was playing a sad tune on the flute. How beautiful and serene that sound was. Who is playing at such an hour? I had wondered and even now I can remember that tune.

We come from dust and we return to dust. We will all leave like this one day, one by one. This is a good place to meditate, to contemplate death. In spite of the chilly darkness, the mind is clear here. Shiva is here somewhere. If you cared, he will tell you all about Turiya. Here Krishna will smile and ask you, “What did you bring with you, that you have lost?”. Here Buddha will teach you about Anicca and Anatta.

Buddha said you can let it go only when you see reality. And what is that reality? That reality is Anicca - the inherent nature of all beings changing second to second. The idea of this permanent self is the dream and all our lives we are so deeply stuck in this dream. Well, I guess this is the place when that dream breaks, and we get a hint of reality.

Contemplate. And contemplate a little more. On death and decay. Some day, then we might as well go beyond it. Meditate on Death to get to Deathless state. Otherwise, the cycle continues. And I remembered this beautiful poetry of Kabir:

माया मरी ना मन मरा
मर मर गए शरीर
आशा तृष्णा ना मरी
कह गए दास कबीर

Illusions nor desires died
Bodies died over and over again
Hope and wants do not die
Says Kabir, that’s the game

After cremation, I returned home. It was quiet and dark. I remember looking at my mother, lost in thought and sad.

That night, now that I had time to think about the loss and the father who had gone forever, my tears flowed. What brings tears to one’s eyes? Guilt! You think you were doing everything right, but somewhere deep inside your mind, guilt is hiding. We just do not see it. Quietly and silently, our sanskaras wait for their turn to come out. For me and my guilt, it was that day. Someone inside started asking questions: Did you do enough for your father? Did you help him when he needed your help? Did you do your duty as a son?

One of my earliest memories with him was when I was, maybe 5–6 years. I remember that place, I was holding his hand and going to see the doctor, probably to get a shot. The idea was I would get chocolate once it is done.

As a child, I saw poverty — a lot of it. Sometimes, we wouldn’t even have money for food. Our over 100-year-old house roof leaked, sometimes from one side and sometimes from another. One spot patched, the other will leak, and so on. This is monsoon season, and whenever we see the dark clouds, we would grow grim and anxious: rain is coming. Maybe the roof will fall this time. And it did one day. It almost fell on top of me. By some luck, it didn’t fall right on top of me but to my side and I am still alive to write this. Then we finally got the tin roof thanks to my maternal uncle’s help. And finally, we were relieved.

He somehow instilled in me the habit of loving books. As I mentioned earlier, we were not very rich. The better word is we were poor. But whenever I asked for a book, I do not remember that he ever said “No”. He would somehow manage the money. Only one time do I remember, he said, “Can it wait?”

Russian classics enchanted me — Dostoyevsky, Gogol, and Gorky were some of my favorites. I used to live in the world of Raskolnikovs and Karamazovs, the Nose, and the Coat. Hindi, English, Nepali — I read them all, sometimes even the same book in a different language.

But as I grew older, I started thinking more about our poverty, our condition — about what I should be and what should be my career direction. Books did not help with our money problem. It was one of those days, he saw me and remarked, “these days I do not see any book in your hand”. Now if you examine this sentence a little closely, you will notice that it was neither a command to do something nor a question that sought an explanation. I got my hint, and those words are here with me — always ready to remind, to keep on reading and learning. 

He has mentioned this in his articles, and in his notes, that he became a socialist when, as a student in Lucknow, India, he saw a poor guy searching the trash dump in the street, looking for food. This was a life-changing moment for him, making him think about the suffering and plight of the downtrodden — people forced to live a life not knowing what they will have for their next meal, while others lived in luxury.

The idea of equality, justice, and brotherhood of mankind was the underlying theme in each of his talks. His initial influence was Arya Samaj and Gandhi, who had famously declared:

There is enough in the world for everyone’s need; there is not enough for everyone’s greed.

He genuinely cared for the poor people and dreamed of Nepal as a country where there is no poverty, where people had enough to eat and can live a life of dignity.

“Remember one thing”, he used to say. “No matter how rich you are, you will never be respected truly by people of other countries as long as your own country is poor”. This was a gentle reminder to rise above the individualistic and selfish tendencies and do something for the country too.

“What a rich country we have”, he used to say. “There should be no need for people to suffer. There should be enough for everyone.”

Later on, I have thought about these words quite often. What’s the point of having a few billionaires who control the wealth of the entire nation, and even the world. I would rather see millions of millionaires — where wealth is distributed more evenly. These ideas of socialism have remained with me, even though a lot of time has passed, and I am not that poor boy anymore. 

There is no end to the greed of human beings. This idea of justice has evolved a little further in me. It should not be limited to just humans, but rather to all and everything we share our planet with — animals, birds, insects, rivers, trees. All of us have our own place and should have a right to co-exist. Humans are no superior to animals or nature and have no right to destroy it.

Having said that, as I grew up and got a scholarship to study in the then Soviet Union, my views of socialism changed. And I had a disagreement with my father on socialism. What I saw was not what I had imagined. Yes, they had a solid foundation of science and technology. People I guess had enough to eat, and basic necessities were met. But then I also saw long queues for food. We used to go to grocery stores, and the stores would be empty. You want a better room, bribe the dorm warden. Or, present a bottle of vodka to get something done. The bread was cheap. 3–5 kopecks maybe? But then, near the common kitchen, I would see a mountain of bread dumped. “This is what happens when people are given things too cheap or almost free”, I used to think. Human psychology is not to value what you get free or cheap. 

“If this is the socialism we are talking about, I don’t think I like or want this socialism”, I had mentioned to him in one of the letters. But he was not someone who would outright reject my observations. He would listen and was always open to ideas. 

He strongly rejected and criticized the age-old religious Brahmanism, dogmas, ritualism, and blind faith and exploitation in the name of religion. But he never criticized the enlightened figures — Shiva, Krishna, or Buddha. Rather, he studied the Vedas, Upanishads, Gita and Buddhism, and found the roots of socialism.

“The idea of socialism is not a new idea”, he would say. And he would quote this ( in Sanskrit ) from the Upanishads:

Let us be together;
Let us eat together
Let us be vital together;
Let us be radiating truth, radiating the light of life;
Never shall we denounce anyone, never entertain negativity;

~ Taittiriya Upanishad

“Gita is not that simple. I know people who have gone mad trying to figure it out”, he would say. “When Krishna says ‘I’ — he means all — the common thread that binds all of humanity.”

Whenever virtue subsides and wickedness prevails, I manifest Myself. To establish virtue, to destroy evil, to save the good I come from Yuga (age) to Yuga.

~ Bhagavad Gita 4.7

And:

I look upon all creatures equally; none are less dear to me and none more dear.

~ Bhagavad Gita 9.29

“Look at Shiva. How he swallowed the poison for the sake of all. And he never differentiated between Gods and the Asuras”.

He always emphasized on ethics and morality and believed in Karma. I remember once, a shopkeeper had returned 10 paise more than he should. So I was happy. But when I had told this to my father, he made me go back and return that money. So that was a lesson: you should never take that doesn’t belong to you or you haven’t earned.

I also remember him often telling a story about Madhav Raj Joshi, who in 1896 launched Arya Samaj in Nepal, who is also the father of martyr Shukra Raj Shastri. He was an intellectual and reformer but despised by the pandits of the time. So a few of those pandits make a plan and challenge him to debate. They couldn’t defeat him, but citing he insulted the Rana ruler of the time, they made him get arrested. But what happened to these five pandits? They met a strange fate. They say one went mad and used to shout “Madhav Raj was right”. Another went to take a bath in a river and never came out. And the others had met a similar mysterious fate. So the lesson was: never do harm or wish harm to anyone. Karma will get back at you.

One quality I admired in him was his ability to talk to people on their own level. I would hear him explain the complex concepts of philosophy, Marxism and Dialectical Materialism in simple words, giving easy to understand examples. I think this is the quality of all great men. 

He used to go for long walks in the morning. I have acquired this habit too. And sometimes he used to meditate, and I started doing that too. “I start meditation and soon I feel sleepy”, I remember him say to my mother. Now I think about it, it brings a smile on my face. Now that I know a little bit about meditation, I wish I could help him. At least I could show him how to get rid of Sleepiness and Drowsiness — one of the five hindrances during meditation. 

Another quality I admired of him was hard work, concentration, and being consistent. I would see him wake up at 4 in the morning, and start writing. 

“Your brain is like a knife, the more you use it, the sharper it gets”, he used to say. 

Sometimes when he saw me frustrated with a math problem, he would give the example of Napoleon, who he said stayed in a room for three days to solve a problem. 

“If you didn’t get something in one read, then read three times. If that didn’t work, read five times. It will come to you”.

Every son looks up to his father and seeks his opinion. Why does a father’s opinion matter so much? Once I wrote a story and showed it to him. He liked it. It did not matter to me if anyone else liked it or not, but the fact that he liked it had given me great satisfaction and pride.

Time had come for me to make a decision on my career. Sometimes I wished I could help my father, but then I did not want to be in politics. I think he sensed it, and I believe he did not want us to go through the same path that he traveled — because it is not an easy path, it calls for sacrifice not just of yourself but also of your family. 

He was one of the only 5 people who had a Masters's degree in Nepal then. He had a good starting job in the only bank in Nepal, with the promise of promotion to be the General Manager. But he chose politics. 

While in exile in India and struggling financially, he was asked by the then king to come back, and maybe be part of the system. But he rejected. So he had many opportunities to choose a comfortable life. But he chose otherwise. 

One day he came to me and said, “No matter what career path you choose, you can still do good for the people and country”. It was clear to me what he meant. I chose to be an engineer.

So these are some of the things I remember of him.

What is his legacy? I know people like to judge and like to point fingers. That's an easy thing to do. He did what he had to do. Now it is time for those who ask the question to ask themselves: what did I do? If you ask me, I would say his honesty and integrity is his legacy. His genuine compassion and care for people is his legacy. His love for Nepal and being a true patriot is his legacy. Not shaking from his ideals on the face of temptation is his legacy. 

Now about the title. If you are wondering why I chose Fathers & Sons, it’s because I feel this is not just about one son and one father. This theme, the relationship, stories, conflicts happen to all fathers and sons. When I started writing it, it just happened that I remembered Turgenev’s novel Fathers & Sons. I had liked how forcefully Turgenev shows the generational conflict in this novel. 

All of us learn something from our fathers. We accept some things. We reject some. There is love, but there is also a conflict of opinions. There is respect, but there can also be some misunderstandings. We choose our own ways. But deep within, our cores have been shaped by our fathers even before we know it. Where did these ideas come from? Why do I feel this way? You wonder.

There’s a series on the life of Chanakya. There is one poignant moment I remember most vividly. It’s the moment when Chanakya returns to his home after a long time. There he pauses for a moment, and remembers what his father Chanak had said:

If not the Sun, be the candle for sure

My father too must have wished the same for me, as now I wish it for my kids: if not the Sun, be the candle. Get rid of your darkness, be as bright as possible and then go help others do the same.

A beautiful zen moment this morning. Looked at the Sun rising behind the cemetery. Yes, the Sun rises for the Dead too. Every moment — life and death are playing and dancing together. Usually I walk past this cemetery and never paid much attention. But today I stopped. Looked at the rays of the Sun piercing through the tree branches. How each blade of grass was shining vibrant with life. An earthworm lay helpless nearby trying to roll on the pavement concrete. I picked it up with a small stick and put it back to earth. An insect was trying to cross the pavement. All are busy with their lives. A few dead bodies, but millions of new lives thriving under this ground. Long time back I head read the story The Meek One by Dostoyevskey. Now I have forgotten what the story was about, but something I read is stuck in my mind:

Emptiness! Oh nature! People are alone on this planet, that’s the trouble … They say the Sun gives life to the Universe. But the Sun rises and — look — isn’t it dead? Just solitary people and all about — silence. That’s the kind of world we live in.

But this morning this quietness and nature was amazing. The Sun was life-force, not dead. The life force that is powering this blade of grass, the insect, the earthworm — is also powering me. It is the same life force. And there is not much difference in all of us. We are all connected with this invisible thread. Down the way Jasmine flowers bloomed showering me with its wonderful smell. I was lost in the days that had gone, in my old home thousands of miles away — where the Jasmine flowers smelled exactly the same. A thought flashed. Where will all of us be in a hundred years? Yes, just a hundred years from today. That lady in the red shining car. The man jogging on the other side of street. These insects and worms. This green grass. And me the walker and the witness of this all happening right now — this moment. Everything will have gone. Disappeared into the black hole we call time. Buddha was meditating and a leaf fell. He took it. Looked at it and said,

We do not die and we are are not born. We just appear and disappear. The whole of the Universe is in this leaf.

I have often thought about this. The ego inside us says: I — I — I. I exist. I am special. Things should be different for me. But how special are we compared to that earthworm, or that insect? Is our existence independent? It is not. Without Sun, without this earth, without water — there is no independent existence of anything at all. Then, where is this I that something inside desperately clings on to. Looking deeper, we understand nothing exists at all. You try to peel the onion trying to find the I. In the end, there is nothing — you are left with nothing, nothing more to peel. Vast emptiness remains. A phenomena, a wave — that appeared and then disappears. A bubble appears in a pond for a few seconds, then disappears. A second for the bubble is the lifetime.

How long can we live? 60, 70 or 90 years? For the Universe, where time and space is infinite, what is our lifetime? It’s all the same. All we are is just a click in time and space. We appeared and then we disappear. This moment exists now, but the next moment it will just be a memory. Only this moment has brought us all together. I walked on and the mind still kept wondering about the subtle difference between “birth” and “appearance”, “death” and “disappearance”. Nothing was born, and nothing will die. I am the Universe. And the Universe is me. The thought continued. Mind tried to understand, knowing the Truth is beyond this thought and beyond all understanding. Somewhere along the way home, Tagore also jumped into my mind.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. Time is a wealth of change, but the clock in its parody makes it mere change and no wealth. Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time, like dew on the tip of a leaf.

Every morning, as I take the familiar stairs to the top of Chobar hill, I meet this gentleman. He is always there. I don’t remember a day I haven’t seen him. Sitting there, waiting, scanning people, trying to guess the right candidate to ask money from. He will collect some money, will go to the nearby tea-shop, and will have some tea and food. He is content with his life, it seems.

As I climb the stairs, I am thinking he doesn’t seem to be worried about the ‘what next?’ question, like most of us, are. I talked to him once. He told me about his story, his house in India, his family and now he is here. I thought someone without money, covering his body in rags in this cold shivering winter, would complain about life. But he didn’t. He has accepted the present, it seems. Other than his gray hair and wrinkles of his old age, he seems OK. After all, how much does a man need to survive? Not much. But for the rest of us, it’s a different story.

We wake up every day thinking about the things we need to do, about failures of yesterday, how bad it went the other day and what is in store in the future. Great plans and hopes are ahead. Yes, we either live in the future or lament for the past. We all have the choice to live in the present. But we don’t … it’s not that easy. Soon we hear the whisper, asking us to look around, to look at the exciting things others are planning and doing, the fun they are having, and the things we are going to miss out if we don’t do the same. So we are all doing what others are doing. What we call normal. That is, to keep on planning about your future and keep on running to get there.

Life is in constant flux, a rush to be in the future. The future seems to be a much better time and place to think about — hoping, dreaming, planning, consoling ourselves. What next? I think that is the question we are all asking ourselves, again and again, that keeps us excited, moving, and alive. 

So, what has become of us? Why do we give so much importance to future planning, rather than doing what we need to do in the present? What will we feel at some point in time when we look back and realize we never lived the moment. We never took a deep breath. We never looked at this breath, as it went in, and then coming out. We never had the time to appreciate the beautiful things happening ‘during’ that moment and the moments will never come back. Then we just wanted to hurry, hurry towards the future. And that future is now, but then again we are looking at the possibilities and promises of the time to come. The ‘now’ is lost and the ‘what next’ is smiling.

But whether we want to or not, a time will come when we have to face the moment and just say ‘this is it’. There is no ‘what next?’ No, you will not be a billionaire. You will not be rich and famous. You are not special. Don’t worry about the dent you are going to make. The dent that Steve Jobs created was pretty big, I am sure. But then how much of the dent will still be in place, say in a couple of hundred years? Time is endless. What we can do is finite. So don’t try too hard to be special. The best you can do is be normal; do your job, focus on the present. Your life is like the life of an ant compared to the history of this Earth. Be still. Enjoy now.

With these thoughts, I looked at the early morning Sun, at this big yellow ball. I was about to turn around to finish my walk. But then I said to myself, ‘I am going to take one more round of this field’. The air is fresh. I will just look at this rising Sun for another moment. What is the rush? The world is not tumbling because I am twenty minutes later. 

This morning, every breath feels heavenly. The chirping of the birds is relaxing. The dogs barking on the other end of the field don’t bother me anymore. The boys playing football are having fun. The water drops on this morning grass are shining like little diamonds and that man sitting on that rock is doing his Kapalbhati.

This is it. As I stopped for a moment, a great sense of peace and tranquility overcame me. Peace, peace — nothing better than this peace. I am enjoying ‘this’ walk.

“Beautiful”, I thought and put the pictures down.

While some feed them, some enjoy killing them — not even for food, but simply for the sake of killing and for fun (some call it recreational sport). Some argue that this deer hunting is good for deer and for humans since it helps control the deer population, and guarantee there is enough food for them. Really? I had always thought that nature is intelligent enough to do that. It is difficult to believe that man needs to regulate and control everything, making decisions who will live and who will die.

The fact is hunting animals is plain cruel and barbaric. Man just finds justification for everything that he wants to do.

We desire peace and good life for ourselves and our dear ones. So do these animals. One of our wishes is peace on this earth, isn’t it? But how can we achieve it? To achieve peace we ourselves should be at peace first. If we are at peace within ourselves, we cannot think of hurting others — including animals.

Not so long ago, in some TV program, I saw a handicapped man on a wheelchair — assisted by these hunting professionals — pointing his gun at a deer. The deer was not even moving. Just sitting there enjoying his day. Then there was this sound and the deer was dead. The so called hunters jumped with joy, congratulated each others as if they just returned from the moon. It was actually funny to watch these people. What were they thinking? I guess they got a boost of their little egos by this crazy act. And I wonder how long did it last?

We talk about the Universal brotherhood, and human rights. We go to churches and temples. But inside, the world that we live in is the world of hate, selfishness and ignorance. We gulp down chunks of meat— telling others how juicy and tasty it is. And then we open our book of knowledge and start a prayer, wishing our loved ones well, proclaiming our devotion to God and make some promises. So much love for our dear ones, even our pets — so much attachment — but nothing for these innocent animals. If we were mindful enough, in that piece of meat that our fork holds, we would see the suffering of the animal that was slaughtered — the pain and agony it went through. As long as we hurt others, does it even make sense to talk about religion and spirituality? The foundation of all religion is compassion. Sometimes it feels that an honest atheist is better than such a person of faith. At least he doesn’t pretend.

Now the question is: will all this cruelty and anger come back to us one day? In the form of disease, sickness, pain and suffering — will it all be paid back with interest? And that day we will realize how the hunters become the hunted.

“I am a bit afraid”, the boy says.
“Don’t be”, the grandpa says.
“God will take care of me when I get there.”
“What if you get there and find that there’s no one to take care of you?”
And they talk about God and the proof.
“I have proof”, the grandpa says. “Look at the snow. It is made by God.”
“It’s just water that has evaporated and falls back to earth”, the boy says. “I learned that on the science class”.

Then they both sit down on a bench.
“I am a bit afraid too”, the grandpa admits.
“Can I cry now?” the boy says.
This little boy has such an innocent look in his eyes. I am thinking about how people, young and adult, at one point in their lives have to think about God and Death. God may not be there, but Death — Death will always be there. We may find one day that the whole idea of God was a big lie — but Death — no, it’s true, it’s very true and actually, it IS the ultimate truth.

I was walking the other day and thinking about what a thin line separates us from life and death. Now we are here and the next day we may be gone. If not tomorrow, then some other. And Death waits for us all patiently.

Despite the questions, we will continue to believe in God. We will find one or the other reason to think of and find God.

And the name of this movie is Wide Awake.